GovernmentHumourNanny State

The King Kept Setting the Prince Impossible Tasks. (Actually, they were easy tasks. But the fat bastard couldn’t do shite.)

Another Theresa May government minister starts preparing the way for more government intervention in the private sphere:

Highly-addictive video games risk having a “damaging” impact on children’s lives, the Culture Secretary has warned after parents raised concerns about a hugely popular multi-player “survival shooter”.

UK Culture Secretary Matt Hancock presents a bold front to the UK public. Who the hell does he think he is?

I propose the fairy tale response. You want to talk to us about regulating children’s access to video games? Okay, well, we’re the King, and you’re the Prince wanting our daughter’s hand in marriage. To get her you need to pass some tasks that we set to show that you’re worthy, and not just a nasty, useless chancer who wants access to power. First of all, let’s see the government get control of law and order. That’s one of your basic tasks. No more burglaries that don’t get investigated. No more convicted murderers walking the streets. No more arresting people for jokes on Twitter. You have five years to get that sorted. If you succeed, come back to us, and maybe then we’ll listen to your talk about video games.

Suddenly Prince Government isn’t so interested now that he realises he may have to do something he doesn’t want to.

But before then you’ll need to do a few more tasks to prove yourself worthy. We don’t just give away our daughter to someone who can perform one of his duties, but who neglects the rest. So the next task is to go to the highest tower and… No, here’s a better idea. Get control of the borders. No more letting in hairy grown men who pretend they’re children. No more letting millions of illegal immgrants stay. No more letting jihadists come back in. No more banning right-wing journalists from entry. You get another five years to do that. We can’t pretend that we have any great optimism that you’ll achieve this, but our daughter is a princess, and we can’t have her getting schtupped by an enemy agent in disguise, can we?

So prove that you’re on our side before you get to carry her over the threshold and throw her on the bed. When you’ve succeeded — and we still have our doubts — then come back and we may start taking you more seriously. (Although she may kick you in the balls herself.)

“It’s not fair, you’re not letting me get my own way”, whines Prince Government. “I’m supposed to be the boss”.

Until then get your eyes off our daughter, and be off with you. Earn some respect with your actions, and enough of this endless prattling. You’re not the smooth talker you think you are. Begone. You have much work to do to prove your worth.

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