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‘I’m here to investigate the murder. Gentlemen, please drop your trousers so I can see who the guilty party is’

You want sexism? This is incredibly sexist, and just, well, wrong:

A new emoji being rolled out this year is a hand doing a pinching motion to depict a ‘small penis’ to mock modestly endowed men.

Perhaps this emoji was really supposed to indicate something else, but this is now what it will be used for:

I can only agree with the Daily Telegraph writer who wrote about the effect this will have on guys with small dicks — he quotes such a guy as saying:

‘Men like me with small penises suffer from low self-esteem – so why is there now an emoji to bully us?’

While I don’t want to police language – people should be free to make mocking ‘small dick’ remarks if they want – it does seem astonishing that the official body for emojis should do this. If they had done something similar about women – say, creating an emoji that represents, or could easily be taken to represent, small tits (for example, two peas on an ironing board) – then all hell would break loose. The internet, not to mention the government and its associated institutions, would go into meltdown.

I’ve actually been getting pretty annoyed with this whole small dick thing anyway. Not because I have one myself, I hasten to add. But I know plenty of women who talk this way all the time. They’re the sort of women who are extremely sensitive to any slightly mocking talk of someone (especially a woman) being overweight, or not being physically attractive, or having mental health problems, etc. They’re happy to scold anyone who talks in slightly the wrong way. But they will throw around the ‘small dick’ comment whenever they feel like some man has slightly wronged them.

They do this for the usual reason: they’re privileged and can pretty much say what they want, but they think they’re oppressed so their life revolves around complaining about the fact that things don’t always go their way. A man asked a slightly tricky question during one of their presentations? He must have a small dick. A guy drives an expensive Ferrari on a salary that makes you wonder how he affords it? He must have a small dick. A man said something grumpy to them in a queue? He must have a micropenis.

Not only is this incredible hypocrisy, it’s also extremely stupid and counter-productive. Because most likely the guy in question does not have a small dick, does he? In fact, if you asked these educated women, seriously, what they think the statistical likelihood is that the man has a small dick, even taking into account his supposedly small willy-related behaviour, they would have to admit that it is on the low side. And if you then asked them, ‘Even if it does turn out, against the odds, that this man has a small dick, how likely is it that his behaviour is caused, to any significant degree, by his possession of a tiny todger, rather than just being a chance correlation?’, they would, after much prevarication, also have to admit that this likelihood is on the low side.

They would probably end by saying something like, ‘Well, it’s just us blowing off steam really’. Which is fine, except that when men do something similar, and say, for example, ‘Oh, she’s probably a hairy lesbian’, the same women would be outraged.

The other reason it’s stupid is that there do exist men with small penises, as the Telegraph article reminds us. Life is tough enough for these poor schmucks. Having a tiny dick is far, far worse than having small tits. Lots of men like smaller tits. How many women like a tiny dick? Not many at all, I bet. That doesn’t mean these guys can’t ever overcome that with their other attributes (although I bet few manage to), but it’s not on any woman’s checklist.

So these guys are in a bad situation. But on top of that they constantly get treated like they’re the worst guys in the world. You’ve got a small dick? Ah, you’re one of those arseholes who are always overtaking everyone when they shouldn’t. Who push in in queues. Who shout instead of presenting a proper argument. Who wear sunglasses in nightclubs. Who talk on the mobiles phones in cinemas. Who start fights over nothing. Who start wars. Who hold everyone except lackies back at work. Everyone hates you. Women especially hate you, because as well as lacking the satisfactory equipment for satisfying female desire, you’re the guys who act like the worst people in the world, and you’re rude to women to boot.

But, most likely, you’re not anything like that at all. I mean, where’s the evidence that this ever happens? Where are all the stories about how when the gangster Nasty McSleazebag was autopsied, he turned out to have a very small manhood? How the brutal dictator who always avoided being seen naked was once accidentally seen without his clothes on by a butler, who was quickly executed, but not before he passed on the message that Dear Leader’s sausage is of the cocktail variety? It doesn’t happen, at least not enough to be statistically significant. Shortness in height, perhaps, but not shortness in man inches.

I suspect that most guys with small dicks are much more likely to be shy and retiring types. Maybe a few will become psychos, but generally not. The one anecdote I have about this is that I was at college with a guy who had a small dick. This was known, and never denied by him. And he was a really nice guy. Not someone I knew very well (he was in the year above me), but lots of people knew him, and everyone liked him. He was intelligent and artistic, and polite, and wouldn’t hurt a fly. The fact that guys like him have become the butt of socially acceptable female rage seems pretty sad to me.

Update: The low likelihood point also means that if you yell at a creep that he has a small penis, it’s not a very effective insult, because he probably doesn’t, and he knows it, and all his friends know it. He’ll probably still not like you saying it, because who would, but it’s not really going to wound him inside because he is content, as he knows he has a normal or larger-than-normal sized schlong resting in his undies.

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8 thoughts on “‘I’m here to investigate the murder. Gentlemen, please drop your trousers so I can see who the guilty party is’

  1. I have always thought that men sending dick pics was a bit stupid but this issue makes me think that there might be an exception. She uses the small dick emoji and he responds with a pic that proves otherwise. Checkmate.

  2. A colleague of mine upset some woman who wanted to push past him in a queue. When it was suggested she wait her turn, she replied with the “you small dicked arseholes are all the same.” He replied that that was the reason they could never marry and be happy, followed by, “me with my small dick and you with a vagina the size of the grand canyon. Sex would be like throwing a sausage down the corridor.” She looked for another queue.

  3. If small-dicked men are the shits, then well-endowed men like John Holmes and Ron Jeremy should be the nice guys.

    At which point the theory falls apart.

  4. Which reminds me;

    The D of E, in his role of Colonel-in-Chief, was invited to a dinner at the mess of The Rifles.

    Once the table had been cleared, and the port was being passed, the Duke enquired about a series of lines, cut into the table, parallel to the edge, in front of each chair.

    “Well Sir,” said the Colonel, “by tradition, each officer new to the regiment is invited to add their mark to the table at the end of their first dinner in the mess.”

    “Mark?” Replies the Duke, “just a line?”

    Looking a tad embarrassed, the Colonel says “Yes Sir, they stand close to the table’s edge, whip their todger out, and cut a line in the table where their member reaches to. Sir.”

    “Good god, man,” says the Duke, “don’t be so damned coy about it. I am your Colonel-in-Chief, who am I to ignore such a tradition of this fine regiment?”

    Whereupon, he stands up, loosens his fly, and places his member upon the table, and cuts his mark with a knife.

    “There Sir, there’s a good few inches there, I’d say! Eh, Colonel?”

    After a moment’s awkward silence, the Adjutant ventures;

    “Most of the chaps were standing at the other side of the table, Sir.”

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