ComedyHumour

Live each day as if it’s your last

Well, what a day. So much has happened. In the morning – this was yesterday morning now – I went to a Spiritual Well-Being seminar and the guru there said to live each day as if it was your last. I took that to heart.

And now here I am 16 hours later. I’ve ransacked my life savings and spent the lot, and given away my house to tramps. I’ve quit my job and set my office on fire and sent a mass e-mail to everyone in my field telling them they can burn in hell. I’ve killed the people across the road and dumped their bodies in a tar pit. The left side of my body is frozen from all the drugs I’ve taken, and I now see everything in a dim orange and green. I’ve sent explosive devices to all the leading politicians, and my first mother-in-law, without worrying about fingerprints, and I’ve already crashed the Porsche I bought.

I tried sniffing the flowers in the park to bring a more positive and wholesome element to the day, but after a while the park keepers turned up and chased me off. Then I sobbed for half-an-hour because I figured that’s what you’d do if it was your last day alive. After that I drove like a maniac to my kids’ school and pulled them out of class and hugged them tight saying ‘Daddy’s going to go to sleep forever soon’, before the head teacher came and reminded me that I wasn’t supposed to have any contact with them.

I decided to cut down the neighbours’ tree that had always blocked my view, and the tramps were totally on my side over that. Then I hit the dog over the head with a shovel because it won’t be able to cope without me, but as I was burying it it came to life and and savaged my arm and then ran off. I thought I should get rabies shots but then I thought what’s the point as it’s my last day? I can see tendons and bones but I’m not worrying about that right now because of the drugs.

The tramps and I tried to turn the grave into a swimming hole instead, but I must admit we gave up rather early as it’s a bigger job that we thought, although I don’t think they really have the excuse I have for packing it in. They might not have long left, especially the one with the weeping eye who keeps vomiting, but it’s not their last day alive, is it?

The worst thing, though – the absolute worst thing – is that I’ve got to do it all again today. Not sure I can cope with another day like that.

Should maybe ask for my money back from the seminar people.

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2 thoughts on “Live each day as if it’s your last

  1. …mass e-mail to everyone in my field telling them they can burn in hell…

    I hope none of them are G*y. Otherwise, prepare for incoming.

  2. If I lived tomorrow as if it were my last day, the body-count would be staggering (and the local pub running out of stock).

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